1 post tagged “things”

Things I had at one time, that I do not have now but do not at all miss:

1. Obnoxious, unsightly white trash neighbors with voices that carry and no regard for discretion or social grace.

2. Neighbors who sell heroin.

3. A driveway full of cars that do not belong to me or anyone else occupying my address.

4. A full ashtray.

5. A clueless, idiotic boss.

6. An account for an online dating service.

7. Anyone interested in "crashing on the couch."

8. An OCD-like tendency to peer through my blinds to make sure my car was still on the street and not in the grips of some thug shithead.

9. Homework.

Things I had at one time, that I no longer have and that I miss greatly:

1. Hair

2. A mother

3. A father (despite the fact that he still has a pulse)

4. Clear arteries

5. Summers off

6. A 30-inch waist (granted, it was in the 7th-grade, but still)

7. Optimism

8. 20-20 vision

9. An apartment with a bar on one side of the block, a Polish restaurant across the street, and a liquor store on the other side of the block.(See item No. 4 of this list)

10. Discipline

Things I didn't have before, that I now have, that I absolutely cherish:

1. Mrs. Chicken

2. Kickass in-laws (that includes you, Matt)

3. Apple/Mac products

4. Lamont the Labradoodle

5. An appreciation, interest and devotion to travel

6. The Hauns

7. A clean soul

8. A cushy, suburban existence on a tree-lined street

9. A pitching staff leading the American League in ERA and strikeouts

10. A clue

Things that I have now, that I greatly regret having, that I did not have before:

1. A mortage payment

2. A stent

3. A bizarre stepmother

4. A shitty commute to work

5. Phony reactions

6. A devotion to trainwreck television

7. Claustrophobia

8. A state leading the nation in joblessness.

9. An empty stable of freelance clients

10. Media coverage of American Idol